Humor Archives
July 06, 2008
Globalization and Its Discontents
Red State Update: Budweiser Bought By Foreigners? - YouTube
"Country Boys Can Survive: The Boys of Red State Update have Risen from Murfreesboro Obscurity to National Fame," by Jim Ridley, The Nashville Scene, September 20, 2007
Posted at 09:47 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
August 10, 2007
The sex of flies
From my Aunt Annie:
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter."What are you doing? she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females." he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded: "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Posted at 04:17 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
June 30, 2007
Sourpuss and Bitter Old Man
Through the better part of his public actions since voters in 44 states rejected him, this sourpuss [Jimmy Carter] has helped redefine the term Bitter Old Man. In order to honor that achievement, we have named this prestigious award in his honor.
"Dan Rather Wins 1st James Earl Carter Bitter Old Man Award," GayPatriot, June 29, 2007
Posted at 12:37 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor , Politics
May 07, 2007
Notes from a friend
Concerning Imus...
A fine witty quote-
Between Imus and the death of the great Hawaiian singer, it was a bad week for the word "ho". Dennis Miller
A tacky thought-
The first known inappropriate use of the term "ho" was surprising enough, by Walt Disney...dwarf greetings to a young lady..."hi-ho", "hi-ho".
Posted at 10:07 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: America , Humor
May 02, 2007
Dog Pack Attacks Gator In Florida
From an email forwarded by a friend
At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator", can still fall victim to implemented "team work" strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines.
See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.
NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!
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NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!
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You were warned....
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Posted at 08:37 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
March 09, 2007
What to do, What to do
A friend, Jim Rogers, sent this:
Life decisions that people have to make are never simple. The importance of the initial decision should always be examined over the long run. Memories made and cherished are sure to be tempered along the way.Consider the following two choices....
Should I get a Dog .. ?????
...or have children?
Click "Continue reading" to see photos for your consideration.
Posted at 09:17 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
March 08, 2007
How do you order a burger, fries, and a milkshake in a library?
How do you order a burger, fries, and a milkshake in a library?
Quietly......
Posted at 07:37 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
February 12, 2007
The End is Near! - II
Why did global population increase so dramatically in the 20th century, rising from about 1.6 billion in 1900 to a bit over six billion today? As Harvard University demographer Nicholas Eberstadt puts it: "Global population increased not because people started breeding like rabbits, but because they stopped dying like flies."
"Our man in science goes to Congress," by Ronald Bailey, February 4, 2004
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February 01, 2007
The End is Near!
Doomsayers like to think they’ve made a rational, scientific inquiry and discovered that the past is an unreliable guide: Sure, we’ve survived all these millennia, but we’ve never faced global threats like the ones today. But I share M. Skinner’s belief that they’re being hubristic in assigning themselves such a special place in history: the first humans ever to accurately foresee the end. It’s always possible they’re right. It seems far more probable they’re like all the past prophets of doom who mistakenly thought they were special, too.
"Isn’t That Special? Copernicus Meets Doomsday," by John Tierney, Tierney Lab, January 31, 2007
See "The End Is Near," by Amir Malka.
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December 07, 2006
new blog - Ask Sister Mary Martha
St. Rose of Lima was aware that if her beauty caused boys to have...bad thoughts...she was causing them to sin, which by the way, is a sin on her. Somebody needs to explain this to Brittany Spears, post haste.
"I feel a headache coming on," Ask Sister Mary Martha, December 1, 2006
Posted at 06:27 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Catholicism , Fun , Humor
November 12, 2006
Beaches are NOT to be used by males looking at girls in swim suits....
“Every man looks at a woman in a bathing suit when he sees her,” he said. “What can I do? I’m a normal man.” At a ladies-only day at a local beach earlier in the week, Nisrine Ben-Stitou, 28, a Moroccan citizen who moved here and works in a clothing store, said the harassment was such that she no longer went to the park or the beach on the weekend.
“Some people take pictures, which makes me crazy, or they stay and they watch you,” Ms. Ben-Stitou said. “I went one time, and I said I will never go back. I feel so free in this country and I feel safe, but what happens on the beach — I don’t know why the authorities don’t do something about it.”
. . .
“The goal is to get people to use the beaches for what they’re meant to be used for,” said Brig. Khamis al-Mazeina, director of Dubai’s Criminal Investigation Department, which polices the harbors and beaches. “There are naturally people who create problems and who are ignorant, but we intend to deal with them.”
"Dubai Swats Pests Ogling Beach Beauties," by Hassan Fattah, The New York Times, November 12, 2006
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October 22, 2006
The Florida State Trooper
From en email to me from Iris, Fern's mom.
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down the I-75 freeway, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and the siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this." and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused for a moment. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Posted at 11:57 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
September 28, 2006
If God had a PC...
In the beginning, there was the computer. And God entered:
C:\>Let there be light!
Enter user ID
C:\>God
Enter password
C:\>Omniscient
Invalid passwordEnter password
C:\>Omnipotent
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
C:\>Let there be light!Unrecognizable command
C:\>Create light
Done
C:\>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night.
And God saw that there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
C:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C:\>Create firmament
Done.
C:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
C:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and...
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
C:\>Create dry_land
Done.
C:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
C:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
C:\>Run sun_moon_stars
And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
C:\>Create fish
DoneC:\>Create fowl
Done
C:\>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
C:\>Create cattle
DoneC:\>Create creepy_things
Done
C:\>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\>Create man
Done
C:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.
Too many command operands. Try again.
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
C:\>Insert breathDone
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
C:\>Move man to Garden of Eden
Filename: Garden of Eden does not exist.
Abort, Retry, Ignore?C:\>Create Garden_of_Eden
Too many parameters
C:\>Create Garden.edn
Done
C:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.C:\>Copy woman from man
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
C:\>Create desire
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\>Create freewill
Done
C:\>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
C:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.C:\>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.C:\>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\>Create good, evil
Done
C:\>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman no longer located in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
C:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
Abort, Retry, Ignore?C:\>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
C:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.C:\>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
C:\>Ctrl_Break
C:\>Ctrl_Break
C:\>Ctrl_BreakATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
C:\>Create new world
You have exceeded allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
C:\>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
C:\>Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICE WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
On Saturday, March 7, God rested.
On March 8, God created Macintosh
Posted at 10:17 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
July 21, 2006
Moral Authority
The problem with Moral Authority is its antonym, the Palestinian Authority. Does Dean mean the Oslo accords? President Clinton had been in office less than a year. There‘s a reason they’re not the Little Rock Accords: Norwegian diplomats did all the heavy lifting. (Specifically, suspending disbelief about Arafat’s motives, which can throw your back out if you’re not careful.) Does Dean mean the Camp David negotiations, which ended in the bloody second intifada? Details, details. Moral authority, that’s what counts. Doesn’t stop wars, but it makes the bad guys look extra guilty. Ingrates!
"You can’t call this the Arab-Israeli war of 06, since the usual belligerents have declined to participate," by James Lileks, Screedblog, July 21, 2006
Posted at 08:57 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor , Politics , Terrorism
July 17, 2006
Unfortunate Consequences
I think there are ideas that have unfortunate consequences, but for the most part they’re held by people who believe they will have fortunate outcomes.
. . .
I’d like to think I’m a pragmatist; I’m resigned to dying in a country much different than the one into which I was born. Resigned, and grateful; disappointed, and relieved. Some of those changes will be for the better, some for the worst. Both will the result of people with whom I agreed on some things and disagreed on others. Duh. In the end I’m an optimist about America, but maybe I just hang around too many Democracy-Whiskey-Sexy right wingers instead of the glum egg-suckers who believe we’re lost until we return to our revolutionary 18th century roots and privatize NASA. At the end of the day the average Democrat isn't going to sign on with International ANSWER anymore than average Republicans will wear pointy white hats to their national convention, and most of the overheated demonization of the Dummycrats or Rethuglicans only shouts to the choir. There are countries where the divisions are truly deep and truly fatal. This isn't one of them. If it is, then there are no words left to describe Iraq.
"Friday night," James Lileks, The Bleat, July 17, 2006
Posted at 07:47 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
June 30, 2006
It works for France!
Nobody can properly support a family of 4 on less than $50,000/year after taxes and union dues(4 being the minimum family size needed to keep our population neither too big nor too small but just right).
Therefore the minimum wage should be $50,000/year. Of course greedy business owners will want to raise prices and so all prices should be frozen and all jobs should be guaranteed and workers should get tenure just like teachers do.
And working mothers should get unlimited full pay leave for family care and employers should provide free daycare.
Also everyone should get 1 month of vacation every year, plus all 27 holidays.
This works for France.
In the comments of a blog post, "More on partisan hackery," Asymmetrical Information, June 25, 2006
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June 03, 2006
"Darth Vader Calls the Emperor"
"What do you mean they blew up the Death Star?! ... What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon?! ... Oh, oh, oh. I'm sorry! I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet!! Do you have - do you have any idea what this is gonna do to my credit!?"
"Darth Vader Calls the Emporer." Video starts when you click link.
Posted at 04:15 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
March 13, 2006
Song Lyrics - The Bricklayer’s Lament
The Bricklayer’s Lament (also named Dear Boss) (Traditional Irish)
Dear Boss I write this note to you to tell you of my plight.
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight.
Me body is all black and blue, and me face a deadly gray.
And I hope you’ll understand why Paddy’s not at work today.I was working on the 14th floor, some bricks I had to clear.
And throwin em down from such a height was not a good idea.
The foreman wasn’t very pleased, he bein an awful sod,
He said I’d have to take em down the ladder in me hod.Now shiftin all those bricks by hand it seemed so awful slow,
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below.
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see,
That a barrel full of buildin’ bricks was heavier than me.Now, when I came down, I cut the rope and the barrel fell like lead.
And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead.
I shot up like a rocket and to my dismay I found,
that halfway up I met the bloody barrel comin’ down.Now the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped.
And when I reached the top I struck the pulley with my head,
I still clung on though numbed and shocked from this almighty blow,
While the barrel spilled out half the bricks, 14 floors below.Now when the bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor,
I then outweighed the barrel and I started down once more.
Still clinging tightly to the rope, I headed for the ground.
And fell among the broken bricks that were all scattered round.As I lay there moaning on the floor, sure I thought I’d passed the worst.
And then the barrel struck the pulley wheel and didn’t the bottom burst.
A shower of bricks came down on me sure I hadn’t got a hope.
And as I was losing consciousness … I let go the bloody rope.Now the barrel it being heavier, it started down once more,
It landed right across me as I lay there on the floor.
I broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say,
That I hope you’ll understand why Paddy’s not at work today.
Posted at 06:07 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
March 12, 2006
The Taliban and prostitutes
Joking how the prophet Mohammed is running out of virgins because so many suicide bombers are standing at the gates of paradise is dark and mean. And, given the reality of global attacks, lamentably effective (just as a side note). But I did not find it especially funny that the misogynous Taliban availed themselves regularly of prostitutes. Or publicly "executed" video recorders and televisions in order to watch pornos in privacy.
"'What next, bearded one?' Our traditional values have been trampled on and we are offended. A wake-up call," by Sonia Mikich, signandsight, February 7, 2006
Posted at 08:49 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Gynephobes , Humor , Nihilism
February 18, 2006
Superficial religious values
How fragile, how superficial must Muslims' religious values be. How can cartoons in an unknown newspaper in a little European country cause such an upset and allow a handful of organised agitators to be able to drive many thousands onto the streets.Joking how the prophet Mohammed is running out of virgins because so many suicide bombers are standing at the gates of paradise is dark and mean. And, given the reality of global attacks, lamentably effective (just as a side note). But I did not find it especially funny that the misogynous Taliban availed themselves regularly of prostitutes. Or publicly "executed" video recorders and televisions in order to watch pornos in privacy.
"'What next, bearded one?' Our traditional values have been trampled on and we are offended. A wake-up call," by Sonia Mikich, signandsight, February 7, 2006
Posted at 11:47 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Gynephobes , Humor
February 17, 2006
I feel offended - II
I feel offended.Fanatics are blowing up the Buddhas of Bamiyan, marvellous cultural monuments.
But art is an expression of universal beauty and innocence to me. It is a value that makes the world better and more peaceful.; this is the tradition in which I was raised.
I demand that Hamas, the spokesman of the French Muslims and the Director of the Al-Azhar-University apologise to me. Otherwise I will never spend a holiday at the Taj Mahal, I will call for a boycott of Palestinian fruit and I will set the embassies of Tunisia, Qatar and Bangladesh on fire.
I expect understanding for this at the very least – my feelings are absolute and must be expressed globally.
"'What next, bearded one?' Our traditional values have been trampled on and we are offended. A wake-up call," by Sonia Mikich, signandsight, February 7, 2006
Posted at 06:27 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Gynephobes , Humor
February 13, 2006
Boycott Irish butter!
In the debate over the cartoons, the prohibition of pictures is being presented as a compulsory principle of belief. To be respected everywhere, even in the state of Denmark.It gives pause to think that those who claim to be offended are so proficient with the Internet and other modern communication technologies but know little about their own cultural history. In Islam's heydey, pictures were made of the Prophet. Mohammed lightly veiled, for instance, on a horse riding to heaven – a wonderful Persian miniature in the Chester-Beatty-Museum in Dublin. (more)
What next, bearded one? Boycott Irish butter?
I do not have to concern myself with the sales figures of Danish yoghurt. I am not easy to blackmail and I am free to find Immanuel Kant's "sapere aude" more conducive to successful communal living than a Fatwa.
"'What next, bearded one?' Our traditional values have been trampled on and we are offended. A wake-up call," by Sonia Mikich, signandsight, February 7, 2006
Posted at 10:07 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Gynephobes , Humor
February 12, 2006
"What next, bearded one?" - I
I feel offended.Zealots are nailing veils onto the faces of my sisters in Afghanistan and Pakistan and are busy hanging women, homosexuals, adulterers and non-believers.
But human rights, women's rights and the right to liberty are the most exalted in the history of humanity; this is the tradition in which I was raised. Values that make the world better and more peaceful.
I demand that the governments of Saudi Arabia, Palestine, Indonesia and Egypt apologise to me. Otherwise I am unfortunately forced to threaten, beat up, kidnap or behead their citizens. Because I am somewhat sensitive about my cultural identity.
"'What next, bearded one?' Our traditional values have been trampled on and we are offended. A wake-up call," by Sonia Mikich, signandsight, February 7, 2006
Posted at 08:39 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Gynephobes , Humor
February 04, 2006
"The ORIGINAL Illustrated Catalog Of ACME Products"
The attorneys in the Wile E. Coyote v. Acme Products Corp. case used exhibits produced by the Acme Products Co., and pictured in its catalog.
ACME is a worldwide leader of many manufactured goods. From its humble beginnings providing corks and flypaper to bug collectors ("Buddy's Bug Hunt/1935") to its heyday in the American Southwest supplying a certain coyote, from Ultimatum Dispatchers to Batman outfits, ACME has set the standard for excellence.For the first time ever, information and pictures of all ACME products, specialty divisions, and services featured in Warner Bros. cartoons (made by the original studio from 1935 to 1964) are gathered here, in one convenient catalog. For more information about any ACME product, simply click on the thumbnail picture.
The ORIGINAL Illustrated Catalog Of ACME Products - ACCEPT NO IMITATIONS
Posted at 10:37 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
February 01, 2006
US Pulls out of Iraq
A friend sent this humor piece:
Wouldn't it be great to turn on the tv and hear any U.S. President, Democrat or Republican, give the following speech?
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraqi regime has been completed.Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.
It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world.
I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security.It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.
God bless America. Thank you and good night.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.
Posted at 06:17 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
January 25, 2006
You say tomatoe, I say tomatoh
the missing ingredient is that Democrats have a bigger problem than lacking a coherent theme; they've lacked a coherent program, especially on national security. Nowhere does that come across more than in the divergent approaches to Iran and Iraq. For three years, Democrats have screamed that the Bush administration has taken a "unilateral" approach to Iraq and trashed our relationship with European allies -- despite trying for five months to get them to enforce 12 years worth of useless UN resolutions. Suddenly with Iran, the Democratic front-runner claims that allowing Europe a significant role in negotiations amounts to "outsourcing" America's responsibilities, and they scream that George Bush hasn't been unilateral enough.
"Dionne Comes Close To The Answer," Captains Quarters, January 24, 2006
Posted at 06:32 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
January 15, 2006
"Revenge of the Chinese lesbians"
"Revenge of the Chinese lesbians" is mister snitch's headline for a post noting "The Chinese policy of favoring male births (read: killing female embryos) will lead to an imbalance of something like 20-30 million men in the next few years."
Posted at 12:11 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
January 14, 2006
"Complainers rarely mate with other complainers"
Complainers seek non-complainers as mates. This makes perfect sense because complainers need the sympathetic ear of the upbeat, i.e. the victim, in order to do their thing. Otherwise the whole system breaks down. Statistically speaking, if your mate is upbeat, there’s a very good chance that you’re a huge pain in the ass.Sometimes two upbeat people mate. But I suspect that in those situations the one who is slightly less upbeat morphs into a complainer over time just so they have things to talk about. Otherwise you get a lot of this:
Upbeat person 1: How was your day?
Upbeat person 2: Great! How was yours?
Upbeat person 1: Great!
"Men Versus Women (part II)," Dilbert Blog, January 14, 2006
Posted at 09:07 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
December 26, 2005
Once they outlaw Claritin, only outlaws will have Claritin
My mom's no meth producer (as far as I know). But she does like to take a daily decongestant to clear her sinuses. According to her, before Tennessee enacted the legislation, she was able to buy unlimited amounts of Claritin D over the counter. Now, she can only buy it from the pharmacist himself, and she has to show ID. And she can only get a 10-day supply at a time.After learning about this a couple months ago, I decided that a supply of decongestants would make a great (if not very traditional) holiday gift. So last Friday, I found myself in the security line at Reagan National Airport, my bag stuffed with several boxes of "contraband." I tried to appear nonchalant, but I was sweating at the possibility that a security agent might rifle through my carry-on and discover the stash. Somehow I thought "They're for my mom" wouldn't make a very convincing excuse.
"The 'D' Is For 'Desperado'," by Zach Patton, 13th Floor, December 26, 2005
Posted at 07:57 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
December 21, 2005
Astrology = Bullshit
MetaFilter has a thread on "Is there any basis to astrology?"
We agree with this comment by edgeways:
? How can one associate personality traits with the position of bits of rock millions of miles away? Much astrology even uses star charts that are thousands of years out of date. If I read that mars effect article correct it says sports legends are more likely to be born in one half of the year then another? If you look enough you will find statistical anomalies everywhere. To try and ascribe meaning to them beyond that they exist requires more evidence then simply pointing to them as proof after the fact.The article also notes that he could find no other proof that astrology is effective. Astrology is, in my opinion, the flakiest hokum out there.
we think "flakiest hokum" is a charitable description ...
Posted at 07:13 AM · Comments (0) · Categories: Humor
December 16, 2005
Pajamas Media/Open Source Media/Open Sores Media/Flannels Media/whatever it's called
The Commissar has just launched "capitalist" Flannels Media (FLM), destined to be like … well .. one of the most important blog things ever, in the history of the planet.As one of the few "chosen" blogs, I'm pleased to host the first in what may be a continuing series of "Flogjams" - stream of consciousness "rap sessions" in which experts, media professionals and bloggers enter a "virtual room" to hash out the "issues" of the "day".
"Flannels Media: Flogjam #1," WuzzaDem.com, November 29, 2005
Posted at 07:04 AM · Comments (0) · Categories: Humor
December 07, 2005
John Lennon - buffoon
If people want to make a fuss about what a cultural phenomenon the Beatles were, and comment on their innovative and interesting music, well that is just peachy and not at all hard to understand. What is a bit baffling is why so many folks are trying to suggest John Lennon was anything more than a talented musician.
. . .
The guy was a buffoon. A talented, gifted, artistic, charismatic buffoon. Just stick to celebrating his art.
"Imagine a world without 'Imagine'," by Perry de Havilland, Samizdata.net, December 6, 2005
Posted at 02:19 PM · Comments (0) · Categories: Humor
November 28, 2005
Fahrenheit 1861
What would happen if Michael Moore and Ken Burns worked together to make a documentary about Abraham Lincoln and the Civil War?
Watch this Google video: Fahrenheit 1861
Posted at 08:31 AM · Comments (0) · Categories: Humor
November 20, 2005
If you're hosting Thanksgiving, make sure your guests sign this
This Thanksgiving, as you and yours gather around the table to give thanks, be sure to have a signed copy of the Center for Consumer Freedom's Thanksgiving Guest Liability and Indemnification Agreement nearby, just in case anyone asks for a side of litigation with his or her turkey.
"Don't Sue The Hand That Feeds You," The Center for Consumer Freedom, November 17, 2005
Thanksgiving Guest Liability and Indemnification Agreement (1-page pdf)
Posted at 07:24 AM · Comments (0) · Categories: Humor
November 04, 2005
Panexa, wonder drug - it cures DHMO poisoning!
Panexa, from MERD, is a new drug that does everything ... even cures dihydrogen monoxide poisoning!
"The wonder drug that does whatever you think it does" mister snitch!, November 4, 2005
And don't forget to check out the Acme Klein Bottle to store that dangerous dihydrogen monoxide ...
Need a zero-volume bottle?Searching for a one-sided surface?
Want the ultimate in non-orientability?
Posted at 08:08 AM · Comments (1) · Categories: Humor
You say Girlcott, I say Boycott ...
Now A+Fmarketeers have come up with a new word -- girlcott -- and some T-shirts aimed at pissing off feminists.Oh yea, I can see Bella Abzug coming down to the A+F store to decry exploitation. What? She is dead? So is this dumb idea.
"Girlcott This Linkfest," Don Surber, November 4, 2005
Posted at 08:05 AM · Comments (0) · Categories: Humor
November 01, 2005
Works for us....
The amusing thing is that men do, more or less, want this, but not her – at least not the confused persona that comes across in the essay. I mean, they want the hard-faced flame-haired dame with the ginormous gunboats to pack a pistol and a sob story, which may or may not be on the level, but it doesn’t really matter; what counts is that you can square your shoulders, stub out your Lucky, and head into the fog to make sense of it all. . . . I have no problem with Strong Women. On the contrary. But I am less than fascinated by Strong Women who have issues like the Roman sewers had mice.
"Boo!" by James Lileks, The Bleat, October 31, 2005
Our favorite from the captions at Drudge Report under the pic of Maureen Dowd sitting at a bar:
Posted at 12:05 AM · Comments (0) · Categories: Humor
October 31, 2005
Dilbert Blog
Dilbert, er, Scott Adams, has a blog.
Welcome to my first blog entry.If you’re reading this on company time, congratulations on beating the system. If you’re reading it on your own time, you really need to find a job where they pay you to do this sort of thing.
"Dangerous Donuts," Dilbert Blog, October 24, 2005
Posted at 04:51 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
October 29, 2005
Pajamas Media
The site, when it launches, won't be called Pajamas Media. And right there you can start to taste the disaster in the air. Reynolds (and the bloggers involved) have been just flogging this beast for months, but when it launches, they're going to throw all that marketing work a curve by renaming it. Why not name it immediately? We don't know, but we have some ideas. Sloth and ineptitude come to mind, but what sticks to the wall as far as we're concerned is arrogance: Readers will just show up, because they can't live without this cabal.We still like Instapundit a lot, or we wouldn't bother posting. But it is beginning to resemble an online Tonight Show ("James Lileks popped in! Tell us about your new book, Jim!"). And Pajamas Media is beginning to come across as the HuffPo of the center-right. Did we need this?
"Instacrony," mister snitch!, October 26, 2005
Posted at 02:24 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
October 25, 2005
Anger, cynicism, irony
Just as Teenage Depression means you’re sensitive, 20something ANGER means you’re smart. Anger pays little, though, which is why so many choose its hipper cousins, Cynicism and Irony, the Olson Twins of the lazy mind.
"This will be a short week," by James Lileks, the bleat, October 25, 2005
Posted at 06:27 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
October 22, 2005
lip synching, web humor, Italian tenors, and VOX ...
mister snitch! linked to a couple of funny videos in "Proving once again that we just don't learn from history" that we had not seen or heard ... even though they have been viewed MILLIONS OF TIMES and been on major network TV shows*
Two Chinese students lip-sync "I Want it That Way". My God, does no one out there remember the Gary Brolsma tragedy?
and this version reminded us of one of our favorites from Joel Veitch of rathergood.com, "Elephants Yeah!!!!!!" (yes, we love to hear Italian tenors (especially Beniamino Gigli); the VOX channel on XM is our current favorite...)
but then we like the VeggieTales Ultimate Silly Song Countdown ... "Larry's High Silk Hat" ... "Endangered Love" ... "His Cheeseburger" ...
oh, and we like jcb, by nizlopi, too ...
* That could be because we don't watch many network TV shows ... except House, Simpsons, Court TV ... OK, so we don't watch those morning and afternoon network TV shows that have this kind of stuff on them ... we're more sophisticated than that ... we watch this kind of stuff on the Internet! ... yeah, that's the ticket ...
Posted at 12:05 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
October 20, 2005
"The Killjoy Nation"
American culture is eventually world culture, and vice versa. Brittle cultures don’t handle it well. Adaptive cultures absorb and adapt–the point of multiculturalism, no? Imagine if the US decided to head off the influence of Indian cinema, lest the next “Batman” movie turn into a chaste historical drama that inexplicably bursts into ornate and endless dance numbers. Imagine if the Feds forbade Bollywood imports. Kids would be swapping the forbidden movies on the internet, just to put a thumb in the censor’s eyes. And that’s what they do now, UNESCO convention be damned. Tunisia, after all, has 800,000 Internet users. If a dozen of them are under 20 and know how to use BitTorrent, well, Central’s “Adult Swim” gets passed around Africa by next Saturday.In another sense, the UNESCO effort is pointless. No: toothless. More posturing from an international body that convenes to strike pleasing poses, nothing more. But some will see the US position as more American mulishness. The New York Times put it thus: “As with the Kyoto Protocol climate treaty and the treaty creating the International Criminal Court, (The US) will likely remain a critical - and perhaps obstructionist - outsider.”
"The Killjoy Nation," by James Lileks, ScreedBlog, October 20, 2005
I don't think he was talking about this ... must be this ... "Cultural Diversity has been at the core of UNESCO’s concerns since the Organization came into being more than 50 years ago." Who knew? ...
Posted at 06:59 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
October 16, 2005
"regular smog checks do not automatically a fully-realized human being make"
It takes a certain wisdom to realize that owning things and going through rituals like graduation and marriage and regular smog checks do not automatically a fully-realized human being make.
especially regular smog checks ...
"Express train to the wasteland, thanks," Nonsense Verse, October 11, 2005
Posted at 08:20 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
October 02, 2005
The Left opposes armed conflict?
It is typical of the Left to oppose armed conflict except in cases when they are the ones with the guns and they're shooting people like me.
"Protesting for dummies," by David Freddoso, brainwash, September 25, 2005
Posted at 12:32 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
October 01, 2005
"The People's Progressive Truth Generator™"
People's Cube has "The People's Progressive Truth Generator™" ...
Posted at 10:45 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
September 25, 2005
"Walts" - new unit of measurement from Stay Free!
Stay Free! proposes a new unit of measurement ... the Walt ... "the Walt Scale of Crass Commercialization." .. we'll just call it Walts, as in "Disney World is 100 Walts, Isle Royale National Park is 0 Walts" ...
Posted at 06:21 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
September 19, 2005
eBay - Ultimate Hippie Vacation
Only one more day to bid on the Ultimate Hippie Vacation ...
Posted at 12:02 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
September 12, 2005
The Telecrapper 2000
engadget has a great post on the Telecrapper 2000, which "identifies incoming telemarketer calls and using caller ID (or more specifically, their lack thereof), and is programmed to ensnare the caller in a software-driven conversation in order to keep them on the line as long as possible."
See this flash animation for a "Telecrapper 2000 virtual conversation" ...
Posted at 08:50 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor , Technology
September 06, 2005
"Fill 'er up w/ turkey-guy biodiesel"
Oh, stop complaining about high gasoline prices. Adjusted for inflation it’s still not as costly as it would have been in 27 AD, when the cost of pumping by hand and straining light sweet crude through slave livers would have been ruinous. And it’s still cheaper than it was in 1981, before Ronald Reagan brought the price down by firing the air controllers, who stopped driving to work and thus reduced demand. Or something like that. In any case, it could be worse.
. . .
To sum up: We could drill more, build more domestic refineries, build new nuke plants and slash government taxes on gas. Or we could have federal mandates on fuel economy and carpooling, so you’re forced to sit in a tiny box arguing about the radio with a stranger who applies “Brut” with a hose. Sure, you lose some freedom, but ANWAR remains pristine, and Malibu beach houses don’t have their sunsets spoiled.The owners will wave thanks as they pass overhead in their private jets.
James Lileks, Screedblog, August 31, 2005
Posted at 08:26 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
September 05, 2005
How to Relieve Stress ...
Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
No one but you knows your secret place.
You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is crystal clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under water.
Source: anonymous email (Fern's mom forwarded it to me)
Posted at 08:09 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor , jokes
August 28, 2005
Humor web sites
Here are some humor web sites I like.
Ask Dr. Science - "He has a master's degree. In Science!" "'There is a thin line between ignorance and arrogance,' he says, 'and only I have managed to erase that line.'"DHMO.org - "Dihydrogen monoxide may not be a familiar name. But it is a toxic chemical, one that may cause more human death even than dioxin...."
Electrical Engineering vs. Computer Science, by Philip Greenspun
Sick of celebrity and celebrities?
Skewpoint - political satire from Bob Hirschfeld of Bob's Fridge.
Posted at 03:17 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
August 20, 2005
Coyote v. Acme Products Corp.
In The United States District Court,
Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona
________________________________________
February 29, 1992
Judge Homer Simpson, Presiding
________________________________________
________________________________________
To read the rest, click here.
Posted at 12:01 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
August 19, 2005
NK News
"Feeling a bit full of yourself lately? Try lowering your ego with the Random Insult Generator." from NK News ...
a searchable database of North Korean propaganda. This site contains nearly every article published on the KCNA's website, in English and Spanish, since Dec 2, 1996--over 50 MB of hard-core Stalinist propaganda! And each article written in that unique and indelible style of the KCNA.
Posted at 11:05 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
bunnies go to Pottersville
Angryalien has a great web animation ... "It's a Wonderful Life in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies." ... and make sure you click the bunny silhouettes at the end ...
Posted at 08:09 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Holidays , Humor
Christmas light displays
Does your spouse think your Christmas light display is over the top? ... see this ... "Showing Off in 2004: Ready to see well over 150 of the best 2004 Light Displays!" ... from PlanetChristmas
Ay caramba!
Posted at 08:03 AM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Ay Caramba! , Holidays , Humor
August 14, 2005
Bolton a disaster ... destroying "the world's most credible organization."
"We warned President Bush against picking Bolton," said one Senate Democrat, "and now look what's happened -- criminal allegations in the world's most credible organization."
"Oil-for-Food Arrest Linked to Bolton Arrival at U.N.," by Scott Ott, ScrappleFace, August 9, 2005
Posted at 12:16 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor
August 13, 2005
Freedom of Speech on the Subway
We meant to lin