jokes Archives
September 17, 2005
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
These are collected from various sources. Many of these are credited to David Kissinger, at Harpercollins
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Humphrey Bogart: Of all the roads in the world, she had to cross mine....
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronictitiously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein:The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential. (also: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.)
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. (also: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.)
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Sappho: Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair than all of Hellas' fine armies.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Stephen Jay Gould: It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. Crack its eggs to make my omelette.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.
Andersen Consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side.
Why did the elephant cross the road? Because the chicken had a day off.
UPDATE
Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
Mathematician: To get to the other ... er, um ...
Thanks Ploum's
Posted at 08:44 AM · Comments (1) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: jokes
September 05, 2005
How to Relieve Stress ...
Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
No one but you knows your secret place.
You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is crystal clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under water.
Source: anonymous email (Fern's mom forwarded it to me)
Posted at 08:09 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Humor , jokes
August 14, 2005
Catholic Orders
Tom Kreitzberg said that he finds "that jokes are more helpful than solid overviews in understanding the differences [among orders]. In keeping with my personal motto of semper opifer, I offer this old chestnut:"
During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out.The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat.
The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers.
The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God's gift of darkness.
The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge.
The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing.
The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.
"Semper Op," by Tom Kreitzberg, January 2, 2003
Posted at 07:27 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: Catholicism , jokes
Bear Warning
This is an oldie, but I still like it.
The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzly Bear dung.
Black Bear dung is small, round and sometimes has seeds or squirrel fur in it.
Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray.
Posted at 03:06 PM · Comments (0) · TrackBack (0) · Categories: jokes